Giving Advice Is a Treacherous Business

It Can Go Wrong In So Many Ways

A scene from ‘Lady Bird’, which is good on how advice can be received as thinly veiled criticism

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I have been appointed ‘cultural adviser’ to a fast-growing startup, which is rather exciting and slightly daunting. I might say more about that at some point but for now I’m using it as an excuse to write about a subject I’ve been interested in for a while: the many ways in which well-meaning advice can backfire - particularly personal advice, between family members, partners or friends. There’s a rich seam of psychology research devoted to this very question.

Imagine that someone you’re close to is very stressed about something. Maybe your girlfriend is worried that she’s about to get fired from her job, maybe your daughter feels she is being ostracised from her friendship group, maybe your friend has had worrying medical news. Let’s say you want to help this person feel less stressed, by changing the way they think about the situation. What’s the best way to do that?

A new paper from a group of psychologists led by Yitong Zhao, at the University of Toronto, identifies two commonly used approaches, which they call decommitment and commitment.